Don't Stop Believing

I know, I am very very behind. I haven't posted about my visit and travel vacation with my mom, or the time spent with my brother, or anything from daily life in China. But, today, I have something much heavier in my head and on my heart. I learned today that I lost someone very dear to me. I'll never get to tell him how much I truly care about him nor will I get to be stumped by his genius. The last time we even spoke on the phone was almost exactly a year ago. A conversation that ended in tears because of what we had gone through and the emotions it mixed up after six months. I never stopped caring about him and never stopped thinking about him, but now I won't get the chance to tell him. Looking back at Facebook posts has made me so happy that I did get to spend the time with him that I got. But, I am saddened that the last two attempts he made to see me were thwarted by life. I'd like to think he knows how much I cared, I got to hear from his brother that he still spoke highly of me. And recently at that. Our last conversation, on Facebook, he told me he would come check out my car to see what needed fixed when I got home. That's six months from now. Six months that I would have waited to see his smiling face again. Looking at what else needed fixed on my car after the last time he worked on it. I don't regret coming to China, that was my destiny, a dream I needed to live. But, as I sit here in my apartment in China I'm reminded of what I'm missing back home, I'm reminded that my people won't, in fact, always be there. Not because they choose to leave but because the universe has its own plans. I was happy to hear that his family doesn't plan on burying my friend in some box in the ground, because he wouldn't like to be contained like that, and anyone who knew him would absolutely agree with that. I am sad that I won't get to celebrate the wonderful parts of his life with his family. In this tragedy, I have realized the family I do have here. While losing someone is different to everyone, it does invite a certain camaraderie among those who have, I was not among those until now. My heart aches for his family. My heart hurts because I'll never get to see him again. I am truly blessed to have known such an amazing person. But, damn it, it was too soon. I'll never be able to sing (or listen to) Don't Stop Believing, Friends in Low Places, Baby Got Back, Sweet Caroline, or other popular karaoke songs without being reminded of him. We recently talked about how it was a reminder of one another, a much joked about thing during our relationship, because we both suffered the horrors of hosting karaoke, and having to endure those songs being belted beautifully and being slaughtered by drunks. We both admitted that every time we heard them, we still had to listen, because the originals, were the originals and they weren't bad songs, they were common for a reason. It might sting and it will be a struggle but it is something that I'll always have to remember him by, and that, that does make me happy. The world will not be the same without you, and you will always be in my heart. I love you, Brady.